I am
by Magical Index
Summary: Shadow has severe mental illness and starts to think of things. Most if this is in Shadows Point of View. This is Shadamy I don't want to see any comments that you dont like that couple but all others are accepted. Also I dont own sonic.
1. Chapter 1

A.N.: This is my new story and is in shadows P.O.V.

Sometimes, I just want to take all of the words in the world and crumple them up. After I crumble them, I'll rip them up and throw them in the air. They'd look like birds flying towards the sun. Without those words the sky and everything would be empty and the world be all white too. Then there would be nothing. Not you. Not me. But nothing. And sometimes I'd just want to wait until the winter just so I can lay down in the snow and forget everything. Everything that worries me. Everything that I'm afraid of. Even my own mind that I can't stand to live another day in.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else thinks the way I do. Any normal person would hate the snow. They'd do anything to see summer where they can relax and play and spend time with their friends. But not me. You see I dont have many friends and I dont feel anybody needs them. Not you. Not me. Nobody. To me friends are just people who will use you. They'll turn their backs on you and use you. But people dont realize that. I won't let anyone get close to me. It sucks because I hold in all of my feelings and am always getting hurt on the inside. It sucks. Which is why I can't stand to live another day in my mind. You see for some reason I can't ever figure out why I feel this way. I just can't change the way I think. Everyone hates the cold. People think I'm crazy because I love the winter. I love the cold and the way it feels on my skin. I just take off my sweater lay on my back and let the snow cover my body. I hate the heat. It makes me sweat and it tired me and you have to wear such little clothes or you get heat stroke and die.

Another thing that nobody knows about me. I'm afraid of planes. I mean what am I not afraid of? I have severe social anxiety you see and have a hard time working with others. It sucks. I'm terrified when teachers ask me a question in class. I can't eat in front of people. I stay quiet when I'm in a conversation with more than two people. I can't make eye contact and find myself staring at the floor and embarrassing myself. I have to stay inside all day. I can't go anywhere by myself. I hate presenting my work in class. I dont talk because I'm afraid that what I will say will be immediately judged in a bad way by everyone. I always have to plan out what to say days before. I can't leave voicemail messages. I stutter.

There's another thing that people dont know about me. I have severe depression. I'm so damn irritable. I'm always to blame(in my mind). I hate that I'll have to live in this mind forever.

And that was the first chapter tell me what you think please


	2. Chapter 2

A.N.: Hi. I have the next chapter. This story does mention self harm and suicidal thoughts.

Sometimes, well okay, all the time, I wish I could show someone who I really am. I'm tired of being the person everyone want me to be. Because it's come to a point where I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm tired of being fake towards the world. I'm tired of not being able to be real with anybody.

But who would like a person who hates himself to a point of hurting himself? One of my greatest fears is that one day people will see me the way I see me. And eighty-six percent of the time I feel everyone does think of me that way. Which is why I tried to kill myself so many times. But I was saved every time by Amy Rose. The weird part is I don't know why she saved me. I feel that death is what I deserve.

Another mental problem I have is obsessive compulsive disorder. It started to control my life in elementary school in about 3 grade. One year after I was diagnosed. My cutting problem started in about the second grade and have been cutting ever since. It's annoying because people always ask about my long sleeves. I have to lie and say that I'm cold. But that's a damn lie. My scars are all over my arms and legs and my stomach too. I don't take my medication because they don't work. I'm still anxious, depressed, and compulsive. I'm still paranoid and I still cut. I still cry myself to sleep every night. And I never really thought about it much until now. My other problems...I don't think I want to think about those right now.

Why I'm cutting is because I hate life. I have nobody. And I'm alone. I hate living. I just want to start life over. Everyone I know shuns me. And I guess it'll stay that way. Forever. Because people like me don't deserve love, or life or happiness. They deserve pain and sadness. Well at least I do. Because I don't deserve a second chance at life.

A.N.: Well that was the next chapter. What do you think of the story so far? And sorry if you think the chaps are short. I'll try to make them a bit longer.


	3. Chapter 3

A.N.: Well...here's the next chapter and the very first "flashback" chapter basically Shadow in the second grade...that's really all I have to say right now.

For some reason I don't know why but I felt so much despair and I felt sad. I cried. Something I wanted to do for a long time. I just wanted to cry my eyes out so badly but I told myself not to. I had to be strong. I needed to overcome this sadness and pain that I was feeling. After a while I couldn't hold it in any longer. And I sat there crying. Crying and cutting my wrists. I didn't know why but I found the blood and pain I was experiencing very addictive. It was strange. I really didn't know how to feel.

After I stopped crying I realized what I had done to myself. I felt terrible but I felt the need to do it again. I felt like the pain is what I deserve. I think that's the part that bothers me the most. It's not normal for someone in the second grade to hate himself to the point of hurting himself. At that time I felt so alone. And I felt like I had no one. I hate that feeling. I hate thinking. Thinking makes me remember and remembering makes me feel things. I don't like to feel things.

I had used a paper clip. And I've been cutting since then. And since then I started to get bigger blades and more tools. Blades, knives, bobby pins, paper clips, scissors, and staples.

A.N.: Well there's the next chapter I know this one is short...but please don't point it out because it's very obvious.


	4. Chapter 4

A.N.: Herro. Here's the nest chapter. I know its obviously the new chapter but it just feels so strange if I don't say that.

I hate it when people say they hate themselves. I may sound like a hypocrite but I find it annoying. I feel the world is backwards in that sense. The people who should hate themselves don't and the people who shouldn't hate themselves do. But my hypocrisy is why I dont like helping people with their problems. When someone says something bad about themselves I say, "No. You shouldn't be like that. You are such an awesome person. Dont say bad things about yourself." But I'm always the first person that always has his blade ready when he messes up or gets mad at his life.

I remember the day that my happiness went away. It was in the first grade and I had been very depressed. I felt worthless to everything and couldn't get along or work with anything or anyone. It sucked. Because nothing or no one met my standards I had no friends. And that caused me to be alone for the rest of my life. A few months later I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. People say finding out that you have mental illnesses makes you lonely and depressed. That can't be true because I'm the same person I was before I found out I had a mental illness. Well maybe it's true for some people. But not for me.

One of the things I hate the most is when people who caused my pain and suffering in the first place try to help me feel better. Their help isn't helping me at all. I know that sounds mean but its true.


End file.
